For some time, I have allowed my totem butterfly to be my muse, embracing creative experimentation, landing on different flowers, taking in the different views as I flit from one beautiful stem to the next and back again.
It has been a wonderful time of allowing self discovery ... or so I thought. For instance, I started designing Shaman Drums;
& was kindly commissioned to apply my new found skills to develop vegan friendly reiki drums & beaters.
I attended my first Craft Fayre having made lots of crafty little things ...
I put together a new collection 'Flower of Life' framed paintings ... and I convinced myself that all these things have been part of my creative process.
However, these past weeks, I have had a growing feeling that I need to think about why I have been allowing myself to be so distracted from my work as a musician.
The painful truth, I realised, is that by being the butterfly, drawn to the beautiful flowers, I have slowly forgotten all about my wings and I have come to realise it is these that make my heart fly, not flowers.
I am a musician, a songwriter, a poet, who writes short stories. I am left asking myself, when did I lose faith in my ability to make these creative dreams, my life & my living? When I think it through, it is ridiculous that I have more faith in my ability to create and sell vegan friendly drums, crafts & paintings than I do to write and sell songs! I have been writing published songs, poems & stories for 39 years!
Over Christmas, I have spent some time reflecting on how this has happened and I am certain my erosion of self esteem, is in part related to my menopause, and more generally the effect that the social stereotyping associated with the ageing process has had on my sense of self. Certainly, I am treated differently now to when I was a younger woman. But more importantly, I feel differently about myself now. When I wasn't looking, my confidence in my ability to make a living from songwriting, music, poetry & story has become eroded. How have I have allowed this?
But the great news is that now I understand what is happening, I can change it. I can re-build my self belief. I can re-live my dreams.
For 2017, I am setting an intention for intense focus on my work as a musician, singer/ songwriter, poet & short story writer. I currently have 5 unfinished projects to complete. How exciting!
I have won many awards for my songs, poems & stories over the last 30 years ... but this is not about what has been, it is how I feel about myself in the now; the birth of a new relationship to these gifts as a woman in transition, in such a way that by sharing my creative work & my journey, I not only realise my own dreams, but by sharing my music, songs, stories and poems, help others who have been feeling similarly lost,
Sisters, we are not lost, we are being given this remarkable opportunity to grow. Mother Moon is creating an environment for us to love and nurture ourselves in the way we have done for others, for so long. Realising this feels like an awakening.
I am starting this new leg of my journey tomorrow by going to the woods and chanting mantra in gratitude to my womb, to nurture my aching ovaries and thank the earth for her continued motherhood. Namaste.