I am writing to tell you about a major shift that happened for me today during my Reiki Level 1 training at The Centre, Swansea taught with the beautiful spirit that is Keira L Jones and 3 other women who were on the course too.
I could talk for hours about how wonderful it was, how we all bonded almost immediately and how it felt more like a reunion of old friends than 4 reiki newbie's & a Master Teacher on their first day.
But instead I am going to tell you about a major block that was released through reiki attunement with Kiera as part of my course today.
I am writing about it for you, the reader, in case it helps you the way it has helped me but I am also writing this for me, so that I can come back and re-read this post to remind myself, should I need reminding.
I have been training as a Sound Healer with Kiera's husband, Jim Fox. I have invested in a new studio selling many of my life long instruments to fund this new venture.
I love Sound Healing it has become integral to my life on every level but I cannot seem to make a 'business' from it even though that was my initial intention.
It is as if it is so precious to me that to charge for it seems impossible to me. When I give sound healing, I am receiving from it too. It is a reciprocal healing process and it feels somehow wrong to charge a person when the exchange has been reciprocal. Or at least this is what I have been telling myself, over and over and over and over and I realised today, I have been telling myself this story so that I do not have to face the truth.
I walked into the studio to receive reiki, the music playing, the treatment bed awaiting and Kiera stood smiling, her whole aura filling the room with love. And in that moment I thought to myself, I have no problem that I have paid for this experience, I am having such an incredible time here in this space that Kiera has made for us, she deserves the payment.
I cannot say it hit me like a ball of lightening because it wasn't like that, it was more like a chiffon veil being slid slowly away from my face revealing my truth ...
I cannot take money from someone for Sound Healing because I do not feel as though I am worthy to receive.
I laid on the treatment bed and at the end of the session, I could not stop myself from crying. This realisation was a release.
I can only describe it by likening it to a tiny bird that has always been locked in a cage and believing that this is all there is, until someone opens the door one day and they realise that they have been in a cage all along.
I did not feel like jumping up and down with excitement or screaming it from the rooftops.
Instead, I felt truly still, my mind was still, no thoughts, just exhaling and weight lifted stillness. Beautiful stillness. Still.
When I went downstairs I had a good long think.
I always say 'Oh I am a giver.' I enjoy giving. The joy of giving is my reward.
I am fine with constructing a framework within which everyone gives to an event, the community etc, or putting funding applications together where I get paid from an anonymous person from the ether but I struggle with people giving me something, just for me. I prefer to give gifts rather than receive them, without really understanding why.
When I went to Kiera for my 2nd Attunement I explained to her my thoughts and she was just lovely. I realised, now that I know why I do not give myself the things I need in my life, I can do something about it.
In addition, by insisting on being the giver, I am denying others the wonderful joy of giving.
Kiera helped me with setting an intention:
'I deserve to receive.'
And knowing this, feeling this, believing this changes everything ... it is as if a dam has lifted.
But just as when a dam lifts it can cause shock, so my body has been all over the place. I have felt sick, giddy, pale, back pain ... but I am drinking lots of water and slowly these things are subsiding in the sheer peaceful calm of knowing stillness.
I sit here now with clairty of mind, believing that I deserve to receive and that by giving the opportunity for others to give to me, tha is also giving (hope that makes sense)
Tomorrow is the second and final day of Reiki level 1. I am going to bed early and feel excited about waking up in the morning.
For further information about The Centre and all the Courses & Healing you can visit www.thecentre-swansea.co.uk