Tinnitus: The Unwelcome Gift?

Tinnitus is a bit of a bugger. I'm not going to lie. It keeps me awake all night because once my hearing aids come out, it is much, much worse than when they are in, but I have to say, in the exhaustion, the fatigue, the endless hours laying awake with sirens blaring in my head, all manner of creative ideas, stories, poems and songs arrive from this bleak darkness. 

It's as if there are crocodile clips attached to my brain and I am fully wired, being charged up with electricity all night, whirring around my synapses in wild ribbons of tangled rainbows. And all of this activity carves a route, a network that leads me to the central cortex, where, laying in a precious casket, is the one truth of who I am ... 

In many ways, this extra thinking, extra over working brain, this sleepless, creative matrix, is a gift given to me by my tinnitus, though I wish she could give it to me more quietly. Perhaps sometimes, the one thing that destroys us, is the one thing that makes us stronger.

Out of this all consuming din, comes strength, love, resilience. Every atom of my body rallies together to send me healing in the form of these beautiful little stories and poems, mantra and songs. I am so grateful to my body, my heart and soul for this incredible rescue remedy, sending the mind stories, poems, songs and ideas to ease the pain.

Popular Facebook Live Bedtime Stories : The Sunflower

Friends, I share with you here, my popular FACEBOOK LIVE Bedtime Story, The Sunflower, taken from my new book 'Soul Seeds, Planting Heartfelt Stories'. You can find out more about my books and purchase them from HERE.

If you like my blog, why not add me as a chum on facebook . It is always lovely to see you.

WOMBSONG: The Embodiment of Self as Nature Intended

                                         Sound Icon, Bottom Right Corner of Video.

I am so excited to share with you my new video: a creative collaboration between myself and Embodiment Coach, Esther Arends from the Netherlands.

Esther Arends. Photo by Larry Lindahl

For those of you who regularly read my blog, you will know that I have been rebuilding my life since becoming suddenly deaf nearly 2 years ago, with tinnitus & hyperacusis. At first, I thought I would never be a musician again. This saddened me because I have composed music and written songs for my entire life. Slowly but surely, I have reconnected to ways in which I can still sing and play instruments.

My relationship with guitar started in a classroom hut, planted amongst the Wheatfields of our primary school in the 1970's, where a hippy inspired Mr Green took us down 'Streets of London' with his humming & strumming. I went home and persuaded my Mum that I needed a guitar and she saved up the child benefit allowance to scrape together enough money to get one for me. It never left my side. I have toured the world with subsequent guitars, performing in stadiums through to orphanages, wild adventures to acts of loving kindness.

Cheryl & her Guitar: Touring India

But complications with my hearing loss have made playing guitar nigh on impossible. When I change chords, the sound of the strings on the frets is so painful, that it becomes torture.

I missed my guitar and she missed me. She stopped smiling and so did I, until one day, I wondered how it would be, to find just one chord that did not trigger my sound distortion and play it gently, without changing chords at all. I sat for hours feeling the vibration of the guitar body against mine, a familiar friend back in my arms, and then it happened; out popped a melody and with it the words 'I can hear Mother Earth calling, I can hear my womb calling ... ' 

Reunited with my Strings

I ran upstairs to my studio and asked Jeff, my partner and sound engineer for 30 years, to turn on the microphone. It hadn't been used in such a long time. I knew I could only manage one live take, so however it came out, would be exactly how it was. 

Afterwards, I listened back to my one chord and humble vocal. I could hear in my heart, the beat of a drum, but I couldn't play to record it, as my  drum was too loud for my tinnitus and hyperacusis. I put a blanket over my drum skin and played with a muffled beater ... to be honest, I recorded it more with luck than judgment. Then I decided to record a second voice, this time using a voice I have 'found' in the facial cavaties ... it's very strange when I sing in this place because I can only really hear it through my hearing aids, which makes it feel somehow disconnected from me ... and so I visualise this voice travelling down through me, until it buries itself and me into the earth.

Musically, WOMBSONG is far from perfect, but there was something so honest about doing everything in one take, accepting that whatever came, simply is and being grateful for that. The feeling of being enough, however small or imperfect.

I finished the recording session and kept the song to one side. Slowly but surely, it has become part of a collection of humble offerings that I am recording when they sing out to me from my inner self.

www.estherarends.com

And then, this week, I connected with my facebook friend, Esther Arends, an Embodiment Coach from the Netherlands. She had shared on her wall, a beautiful little film that she had made on her iphone. I immediately fell in love with the organic nature of her capture; randomly, her filming preserved a moment of simply being, embodying the dance as if it were as natural as a blade of grass or a clover leaf. 

As I watched Esther's film in silence, inside I could hear my WOMBSONG. I played the 2 together ... it was so gentle, so magical that it made me weep, not with sadness but with the beauty of humanity; humans being themselves, without pretence. Esther's dance and my song had come from the same place.

So, I wrote to her and told her my story, asking her if we might collaborate. She listened to my little song alongside her film and felt the same way as I had. I was delighted. Esther sent me the film and I have edited us together, as one, so that you can watch it with us.

WOMBSONG as a collaboration, is the embodiment of humans just as nature intended. Random, free and beautiful. Thank you Esther, for your beautiful light. I'm so pleased to be here on Earth at the same time as you.

Parlour Press: The Collaborative Publisher at Carmarthen Book Fayre

    Councillor Kevin Madge/Vice Chair of Carmarthen County Council & Mrs Catrin Madge 

This weekend, I took my independent publishing press to Carmarthen Book Fayre. It was a fantastic experience. I met lots of people and it was a great opportunity to talk indepth about Parlour Press & my new SOUL INK collection. 

As a writer, I have developed an Award Winning Collaborative Publishing Press from the parlour of my little stone cottage in West Wales. By fostering partnership working, I visit and work with people of all ages and abilities, to help them 'write themselves well' through creative writing and publishing. 

I founded Parlour Press 17 years ago and since then, have published 52 books, written in collaboration with individuals, groups and communities, including Care Homes, Secure Units, Children in Care, Young Mums Projects, Young people who Self Harm, patients during renal dialysis, those living with dementia ...

Let me explain what I mean by 'Collaborative Publishing' and how my model of working makes positive social change for those individuals taking part and for the wider community. 

In this blog, I will speak to you about 'Postcards from Louie' and how, as a body of work, it has impacted my newest collection, SOUL INK, both of which were with me at Carmarthen Book Fayre.

I met Louise Davies in a Dementia Friendly Care Home in Llanelli when she was 92. I had been invited by Artscare Gofal Celf to run storytelling workshops for people with dementia and as we were finishing, Louise, or Louie as her friends call her, turned around in her wheel chair and asked me to 'Save her story'. 

The funding for my work had run out, but I felt it was a great privilege to work with someone in this way, to help them to remember themselves, so I agreed to carry on as a volunteer. 

The family agreed for me to submit the work for my Masters Degree in Drama, where I specialised in Applied Arts at the Atrium in Cardiff, part of the University of South Wales. I was absolutely thrilled to be awarded an Outstanding Contribution Award to Drama by the University. It was the first time that someone in this department had been given the award.

Postcards from Louie took on a life of its own. I organised an Exhibition at Greenspace Gallery in Carmarthen, performing the folk rhymes to a packed audience, including Louie's family who travelled to come and celebrate her life together. 

We organised a children's trail of Louie's memories, which led to work in Carmarthen schools and regular visits to the care home from the local children, with tea parties and sing- a- longs.

Postcards from Louie Talking Book became part of the National Talking Book Service and a welsh language version was created for the People's Collection Wales.

I was then invited to join the research team at the Wales School of Social Care & Research at Swansea University, to be part of the  'A Better Life' team, funded by Joseph Rowntree Foundation. 

This enabled me to work with a number of other older people attending dementia care facilities, supporting them to create their own resources, such as 'The Memoirs of Strang the Strong' which became an anti-bullying book in primary education and 'Singing with Betty and Friends', which became a resource for table top dementia choirs.

For this body of work I was absolutely astounded to be awarded the GOLD Wales National Care Award in 2015.

At Parlour Press, my work is grounded in applied writing and publishing, it is an innovative approach that creates a supportive environment for an individual, group or community , so that they are empowered to 'write themselves well' by  accessing the story of self, and in so doing, inspire others to write themselves well, too.

Let's have a look at the key strands running through my work ...

EMPOWERMENT: By collaborating with a writer and publisher (ME), Louie was enabled to create her own memory resource rather than have me do something for or to her. She is the voice of her own narrative and empowered through this. 

ENABLE: By publishing Louie's memory resources, the books and CD's became  resources for other older people, enabling older people to help each other and be heard in a meaningful and valued way. Part of feeling better is in the giving, as well as the receiving of support.

CONTINUITY OF SELF

Louie was able to retain and connect to a sense of self, to celebrate her identity and in so doing, continue to contribute to society in the ways that she always had before having dementia. Her family were also able to celebrate what she could still remember and be a part of collating that journey.

DECONSTRUCTING STEREOTYPES

As a collaborative writer and publisher, I am enabling people with chronic illness, disability and disadvantage the platform to make social change, deconstructing negative stereotypes through positive action and making visible the person behind the label as an equal stakeholder in devising resources.

SOCIAL HISTORY

My work enables us to capture and preserve a social history that is alove and vibrant, able to heal us rather than stay on a shelf or otherwise, be lost, so that we can build a living picture of our national and  richly human, cultural heritage.

POLITICS OF CARE

Louie's story opened up possibilities for her to contribute to national research, findings of which have changed policy with regard to social care for older people across the country. 

Even though I have done all this work, it was not until I awoke one morning 2 years ago with hearing loss, that I truly understood how creative writing adn publishing can not just enable us to write ourselves well, but it can actually save you. For sure, it saved me.

SOUL INK
My new collection of books is my own story, using the same model that I had developed with so many others, finding ways to write myself well and sharing those with others, so that they might be inspired to do the same.

When I first became deaf 2 years ago, I did not remember my own story. That sounds strange doesn't it, but I was so consumed by loss, that I forgot that I had spent 17 years honing a way of empowering other people to write themselves well. 

Once I remembered my sense of self identity by intensively working from the place of my own story, I realised that everything I needed to heal, was within me. From this seed, a beautiful pathway unfolded. 

A year ago, when my hearing disabilities held me almost a prisoner in my own home, it would not have even been possible to think that I would be at Carmarthen Book Fair talking to Councillor Kevin Madge, Vice Chair of Carmarthenshire County Council and his partner, about my collaborative model of working at Parlour Press. I am proof of the Parlour Press pudding, that I have spent all these years perfecting. 

My next adventure is organising Parlour Press, Llandysul Book Fair at The Porth Hotel 29th September where you can come and meet the lovely authors and poets of West Wales, whilst overlooking the beautiful Teifi River ... 

My first time: FB LIVE

Tonight, was my first ever FACEBOOK LIVE. It's part of my new plan to build a platform from which to share my work as a poet, writer and songstress. Having hyperacusis means that performance is pretty much out of the question, at least for now, until I can devise new ways of making it so. 

To be honest, if I look back over the last year, who would have thought that I could have come this far in terms of carving a whole new life around my hearing needs, so ...  'Never say never' (as my Nan would say)

Here's the first facebook live, this one was on my new SOUL INK writer's page and to be honest, not many people jumped in ... 

Feeling more confident with the technology (in that I actually worked out how to turn it on!) I then I went over to my main facebook page and did a second LIVE SOUL INK recording. 

Here it is (below) ... as you can see, many more people responded because my main page comes up in their feed, whereas my new Writer's Page is a Business Page, so it doesn't seem to. It's all a learning process ... which is fabulous.

I got quite emotional at times because friends that I have not seen for ages, were responding live, and in real time, it felt very magical indeed. Like a proper connection.

So, despite feeling sick with nerves before doing it, I am so pleased to have begun this facebook LIVE journey. That I can speak to you from the bed where I wrote my book 'SOUL INK for the Morning' and do readings personally for you, in a real time response, is beyond words really, it's an emotion I haven't felt for a very long time, if ever.

And when something feels this right, well, you just have to keep going with it.

                                     

Creating a FILM CHANNEL

These past (and coming) weeks, I am completely re-vamping my online presence to match up with my lovely new career as a full time writer & publisher. It's not as easy as it might sound. There are sorts of fiddly measurements for different formats and then photographs are too small, or too big ... and even if you follow the pixel guidelines, it still doesn't seem to look the way you had hoped when you uploaded the pics ... but hey ho, t'is all a learning experience and I like a challenge.

So, today I decided to start having a look at my youtube channel ... well, to be honest, it wasn't really a channel, more a place where I have randomly shared little films that I have made with different projects, collaborations and doodles. I've never really paid it any attention as a whole, but today when I looked, it has had more than 120,000 views! Strewth! At the very least, I should have been directing people back to my website or here, to my blog.

So, today I have learnt how to  make playlists and sections. I even managed to design a new logo & upload it to my channel, though it took many attempts because it has to also look right on tablets and phones ... anyway, I am quite pleased with the logo, I think it says humble, loving, quiet, creative, all my core heart words ... even though I have written my name in gold! This is a nod to Kintsukuroi, which I have spoken about before. In Japan, when a valued pot is broken, it is mended with gold, having become more beautiful and treasured for surviving and I think that's very much me. This lovely new career concentrating, on my own writing and publishing, is only happening because of my hearing loss, tinnitus and hyperacusis means. I can no longer earn a living as a musician, and from this desolation, is growing something so very beautiful.

Now that I am getting a grip of developing my new Youtube Channel, I need to do the same with my blogger ... so new art work arriving soon, friends, just as soon as I work out the best way of doing it.

Wrapping with love : Every book sale has a story

As an author, I never feel more nervously excited than when I am wrapping a book up for someone who has invested in me, in my work, in my stories. When someone buys one of my books, it is not just a purchase. It is an emotional attachment. You are enabling me to rebuild my life.

Since being a child, I have lived as a musician, so when I became suddenly deaf, living with debilitating tinnitus and hyperacusis, I thought my life was over. To put it into perspective, sometimes the distortion of my tinnitus is so loud, I cannot even hear my own voice. Writing has saved me. Given me back myself.

Every book sale has a story with it and today I am going to tell you about the book I have just finished wrapping. I will not mention names because it wouldn't be fair on the young woman.

Many years ago, I was working in Community Education designing creative courses to build the confidence of Young Mums. And in she walked, filled with so much beautiful light shining from within her, but she could not see it herself. We worked together as a whole team over the next few years. I was so very proud of her, as we all were. She became such a wonderful Mother, trained in Youth Work and started to make a difference to the life of others. 

And then today, she wrote to me, saying how incredibly proud of me she was, that I  had taken something that she described as a curse, my hearing loss, and I had turned it around. She said that she admired me for having done this and wanted to buy a book so that she could feel me.

I cannot even begin to describe the emotion that this evoked inside me. I felt authentic, real. Like all the times that I have held the hand of young mums, older people with dementia, people on renal dialysis, those at end of life, every time I have sat with them to design a creative way of lifting their soul through writing, publishing or the arts, consolidated here; I was walking my walk just as I had supported them to do.

And there was she, all grown up and proud of me and I felt taller because of her, likely as tall as I had helped her to feel, all those years ago.

So, you see, when you buy a book from someone like me, it is so much more than a book. No, I am not on the shelves of WH Smith ... but I can be on your shelf, in your heart, part of your world.

 If you would like to purchase one of my books, why not pop over to me facebook page.  I will put all my love into wrapping it up and sending it to you.

Chocolate for the Eyes & Soul : The Joys of Self Publishing

Writing stories and poems to lift the soul is one thing, typing them all up, formatting them, commissioning the artwork, discussing designs, the whole process of Self Publishing is a journey of love and dedication. I have run Parlour Press for 17 years, helping other people to write and publish ... And now, this week, I find myself with my own books finally in my hands. I cannot begin to tell you how remarkable it  feels.

Have you noticed that when you buy a mug from a potter, you can feel that potter's love every time you have a cup of tea. Well, it's the same with books. Yes, you can buy a mug in a supermarket for a couple of quid, but it's just not quite the same as knowing that someone has stayed awake, night after night, making an extension of them self, to gift you part of their being, so that you might be inspired by their story.

That's how it is for me. I am not just making books, I am making memories. I am planting heartfelt seeds within you, sharing stories that will stay with you, help you in darker times. Poems that you might share to lift the hearts of your little ones when they are a bit blue. Bite sized chunks of love, like chocolate for the eyes and the soul.

These are not stories to end up on shelves, but to be assimilated into your being to help you grow.

'Soul Seeds: Planting Heartfelt Stories' is a collection that has been sent to me from my inner being. I know that sounds out there, doesn't it, but it is my truth. Mostly, I woke up in the morning and found them recorded onto my phone during my sleep! 

The same with ‘Soul Ink for the Morning’. This beautiful little book has 100 poetic messages that I have awoken with. I open my eyes in the morning, and into my head pops just the right amount of hope to get me through my day and now, you can keep my book by your bed to help you in the mornings, too.

I can honestly say, that my writing has saved me, since becoming suddenly deaf and learning to live with tinnitus and hyperacusis, my stories and poems have lifted me, given me back hope and now I share that light with you. My heartfelt intention is to inspire hope in you, too. In fact, I promised the Universe I would do this; if she could see her way to helping me heal, then I would share that healing with others.

My 3rd little book may be the smallest, but ‘The Truth is in There’ will take you on a personal journey of divine meditation. Not only will you read the profound effect that meeting my inner child had on me, it will give you the tools to take yourself on a similar journey, if you so wish.

Just now, if you would like to buy my books, feel free to come to me direct on Facebook. I am still setting up the infra- structure for Sales. The reason I have waited is because I didn't know what the platform would be or look like, until I held the books in my hands. And now, I can feel them, take joy in them, this inspires the next step of the path we take together, my books and I.

I share with you here, an intimate moment, the morning I opened the boxes as they arrived from the postie. And remember, every time you buy a book from a self- published author, you can be assured that she is skipping around the house doing a happy dance.

It is always lovely to hear from you, feel free to drop me a line.

The Gallery Gadabout

Maven & Hare, LLandysul. Photo by Ed Sherlock

It can be difficult, finding somewhere to go out when you have hearing disabilities, especially with hyperacusis because everywhere seems too noisy. 

So, I was very pleased that the Universe sorted out this dilemma and sent three wonderful, relatively quiet invites into my lap for this week. I invited my dear friend, Suzanne, to join me and we had a week of Launch Surfing.

The first was to Maven & Hare in LLandysul, which strictly speaking, is a shop rather than a gallery, but for sure, going there is a quirky & creative experience. The second was the Exhibition 'this is a moment i can't say' by Patricia McParlin at King Street Gallery and the third to the re-launch of Dorothy Morris' Greenspace Gallery in Carmarthen.

We had such a lovely time, that I thought I'd tell you all about it.

In the picture above, on the far right, is Mandy & in the middle, Bronia who have combined their special kind of magic to open a shop in Llandysul called Maven & Hare. You might recognise it. It is the same shop where I did the pop  up Quiet Space Studio in Llandysul last year. 

I 
I like to think that perhaps my energy infused the space with a love that attracted these wonderful creatives to invest in Llandysul and join the band of wayward women that make it such a special place to live. Maven & Hare are selling the weird and wonderful from bling taxidermy to re-vamped vintage furniture and have exciting ideas for the future. The Launch kicked off with caviar and sparkling wine, a twin gramophone DJ and live models in the window display, with hand made felt animal masks made by Mandy. The village turned out to welcome Mandy & Bronia, our newcomers, into the fold.

My friend Trish is a Fine Artist, or as I like to say, a mighty fine artist, so I was delighted when she invited me to the launch of her new Show at King Street Gallery, Exhibting for 3 weeks. I was really taken by her collection, especially the interplay between the narrative of her paintings and her poetry. 




It was very powerful to read her poems whilst looking into her paintings. Somehow it took me beneth the layers of paint.

I had a good look around King Street gallery, which is just exquisite. The people on the desk (who I think are fellow artist volunteers) were very kind and it was just magical to be in the space.

Patricia has also published an accompanying poetry booklet to go with her paintings. As a fellow writer, I know how much work this will have taken. 

My third trip out was to the launch of Dorothy Morris Greenspace Gallery, and again I felt really emotional about the dedication and level of commitment to the Arts my friends have, in making  their vision a reality ... it is truly inspirational how Dorothy has transformed the old framers in Carmarthen into a trail of arts treasure ... room after room filled with outstanding work, including her own as an award winning artist.

And I am left thinking this ... so often in our society we face stereotypes regarding women of a certain age. I know that as a woman of 52, I am treated very differently to even 5 years ago. We hear every day, of the exciting things that young artists are doing, how they are changing the world, up and coming. But hey, what about us? How often do we hear about women in their 50's plus? Where are our achievements in the local press or the radio? And yet here, we have the most inspirational examples of middle life women, giving absolutely everything they have to their craft, passionately creating something breath taking and a making difference - without funding I hasten to add - just because they live and breathe creativity and that, quite frankly, not only inspires me but makes me quite emotional.

Let's get behind each other, celebrate each other, attend each others' events, cheer each other on because, after all, we are absolutely blooming marvellous!

Live Your Gift

  

If there is something you love to do, something that eases your troubled mind, that brings peace to your heart and yet sets your soul alight, then grab hold of it, give all of yourself to it. Jump right into your desires for these are your gifts, given to you by that which gives light to all. 

Trust yourself, rather than question why you desire to do something.  Does the daisy doubt that she should turn her golden face to the sun?

For me, it is the writing of short stories and poems set with an intention to help others feel better, to inspire folk to look at the world in new ways and then, to make beautiful books that are kept forever as a reminder of how much we are loved. 

What is it for you? What is the gift that you have so lovingly been blessed with?

If you like my blog and would like to find out more about me, why not pop over to my website by clicking the link below ... 

Heartfelt Christmas

There is something very special ...

Knowing that there are people ...

all over the country ...

          Who opened a gift Christmas Morning ...

              that was written and made by me ...