Tinnitus: The Unwelcome Gift?

Tinnitus is a bit of a bugger. I'm not going to lie. It keeps me awake all night because once my hearing aids come out, it is much, much worse than when they are in, but I have to say, in the exhaustion, the fatigue, the endless hours laying awake with sirens blaring in my head, all manner of creative ideas, stories, poems and songs arrive from this bleak darkness. 

It's as if there are crocodile clips attached to my brain and I am fully wired, being charged up with electricity all night, whirring around my synapses in wild ribbons of tangled rainbows. And all of this activity carves a route, a network that leads me to the central cortex, where, laying in a precious casket, is the one truth of who I am ... 

In many ways, this extra thinking, extra over working brain, this sleepless, creative matrix, is a gift given to me by my tinnitus, though I wish she could give it to me more quietly. Perhaps sometimes, the one thing that destroys us, is the one thing that makes us stronger.

Out of this all consuming din, comes strength, love, resilience. Every atom of my body rallies together to send me healing in the form of these beautiful little stories and poems, mantra and songs. I am so grateful to my body, my heart and soul for this incredible rescue remedy, sending the mind stories, poems, songs and ideas to ease the pain.

Soul Blogger: My first Vlog

Having had over 126,000 visitors now to my written blog, I thought it might be a good idea to start making Soul Vlogs as a personal way of connecting with you all ... 


... and this first one is a THANKYOU to the overwhelming support that I have received from you for my '40 Years of Songwriting Celebrations'. It has been so healing to look back over so many of my life stories and adventures.

Off course, I am still filled with lyric and melody and as God is my witness, if it takes me until the end of my days, I will find a new way to express my song. 

Reinvention: Stepping into the Sunlight

For the last 14 months, I have been coming to terms with hearing loss, tinnitus and hyperacusis.

My intention for 2018, to open up my heart in deep gratitude & acceptance, includes the acknowledgement that my relationship to live music and performance, which has been my lifelong passion and career, has to now change.  I believed that this meant that I would exclude performance from my life but now, I realise that if I am open to finding a new way, then that is precisely what will present itself. 

In many ways, it is a wonderful opportunity to completely reinvent, rebirth and make a new. How utterly exciting. I might be deaf, but I hear the call of my soul now more clearly than ever before in my entire life.

I am finding myself in the gloriously seductive, creatively obsessed and precisely focused state of creating a distilled and pure pathway, leading directly to the next phase of my life. 

Focusing my soul-fired desires into creating a strong, yet flexible  framework that enables me to continue to heal myself through my passions, whilst helping those that are reaching out from the dark place that I was in, so that we can step together into the sunlight ... 

The accepting kindness of children

Musician in Residence at Zhodina Orphanage Foto by Val Cousins

It is so wonderful to be working with children again. After 30 years of facilitating music and story workshops, I had to hang up my fairy wings in March, due to hearing loss, tinnitus and hyperacusis. 

The Tethered Fairy ring

I honestly didn't think I would ever be able to return.

Tramore Street Festival, Ireland

It literally broke my heart. Inspiring the children via The Arts has been at the core of my lifetime career. Music, Story, Song, Poetry all being the magic that brought joy but all too noisy for my hyperacusis.

Children's Storytelling Trail, NBGW

Having a hearing aid has made all the difference and I am having a 2nd on in a week's time, too! The sound levels outside of me, are now increased to normal, which means the tinnitus in my head is less noticeable, so the dissonance from the hyperacusis is reduced radically when I wear my hearing aid.

Suffice to say, that I am now back in school, learning new ways to engage with the children.

The Art Hand, Bunmahon, Ireland

I have also learnt sign language which has really helped , and I have shifted my body language ...

Llanelli Library

... but the thing that has helped me most of all, is the incredible kindness and consideration of the children . Like this morning, my hearing aid fell out whilst in front of the class. I was mortified. Firstly I felt myself blush. I think I was embarrassed. I quickly picked it up and fumbled trying to put it back in. I couldn't get it to work and then suddenly it came back on. 

              'Euston, we back online,' I joked.

The point is, everything was fine. So, the next time it happens I won't blush and I won't fumble. I will just calmly put it back in. The children were so lovely about it. They sat quietly waiting for me to put it back in, with warm 'don't worry' smiles on their little faces. They are accepting of difference in such a way that it is moving and slowly, I can feel my confidence returning. Yes, I am deaf but I am not less than I was. Just different ... 

Stepping into My Power & The Laws of Attraction

As you may have read in my earlier blogs, to create a nurturing work environment for my hearing conditions, I have taken an old shop in the small rural town of Llandysul near my weaver's cottage in West Wales and am in the process of converting it into my studio. 

I've been there 2 months now. When I took the shop I didn't really know what I would be doing there, I just knew that I had to find a new way of working that nurtured my hearing needs. I have let the space and the community within which I am based and off course, the Universe in her infinite wisdom, inform me as to how Quiet Space will 'be'. 

By doing this I have found myself getting up to all sorts of capers that I might never have thought of had I worked in my usual way, before my hearing loss, which was to have a great BIG plan.

Having no plan, other than to create a nurturing environment, has worked a treat as 2 months on I feel ready to step into my power. In short, I now know the seed of what I am and what Quiet Space is, and am ready to grow it like a beautiful rambling rose, that twists and turns as time ticks by.

By creating a nurturing environment for myself that is easily accessible and on the main street, by offering the things that are nurturing me, I am attracting the people that would like the same nuturing &/or advice and guidance with regard to Holisitic Arts, that is the combination of Creativity and it's therapeutic benefits with the Holisitic Therapies, such as Essential oils, Reiki, Guided Meditation and Mantra.

Through this process, I have learnt two of the most valuable lessons of my entire life: the first is a lesson in trust. I think perhaps I previously made big plans in an attempt to have some sort of perceived control over my life but waking up without my hearing, replaced by constant tinnitus and hyperacusis has really shown me that I can plan all I like, but control is a figment of the human imagination.

I have spent the last 10 months focusing totally on creating a nurturing and healing environment that made me feel as though life was a joyous place to be, rather than a prison. And now, I can step into my full power and offer these learnings to others through my Holistic Arts Consultancy at Quiet Space Studio because people who want this, are walking through my door. 

And here in lie the 2nd lesson: Attraction. Simply by being, I am attracting folk who also want, need, wish to 'be' in the same way as me. I hope that makes sense. I didn't really understand the laws of attraction before, but I can see it clearly now. I haven't even got a sign above my door and yet folk are attracted to come and talk to me about alternative ways to live with their health needs because they can see through the shop window, that's what I am doing.

Here is another small example of Attraction. I put a unit in my Studio window with small boxes to rent out to other crafters and artists on a peppercorn rent to help with my bills. I didn't advertise it. The empty boxes themselves attracted people who came and asked me if they could have a box. Now, the old me, would have made a poster and put a whole advertising campaign together to attract folk to rent the boxes but the empty boxes themselves did all the work. That's a real insight, isn't it. It's made me think about where else in my life I put things in place that do not need to be there.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, I have designed a new poster today that I have shared at the top of this post. I feel it represents me fully stepping into being an Holisitic Arts Consultant at Quiet Space Studio. In my next post I will tell you all about the painting I have used in the poster. I'm not much of a painter, but this angel came to me in a very special way indeed ...

Earth Angel Tinnitus : An Holistic Arts Mentoring Course for those living with Tinnitus & Hyperacusis

Living with my hearing loss is one thing, but living with severe tinnitus and hyperacusis are another. The constant noises in my head and the distortion of sounds within that range, have at times, pushed me so close to the edge that I have felt as if I were losing my sense of self.

On New Year's Eve, in a tiny temple on the hills of the West Wales countryside, I had nothing short of a spiritual awakening that turned my soul around.

I awoke New Year's Day fully committed to dedicating myself to devising a healing practice for my tinnitus and hyperacusis and what's more, that once I was well enough, I would share this practice with others and raise awareness of the condition.

And it fills my heart with love that I am now so close to finishing my first Holistic Arts Course. I have designed it specifically to Mentor others with Tinnitus based on the healing practice that has saved me and given me back my life from tinnitus & hyperacusis. 

It will be available soon on CD or as a Download. I am just finishing the design work for the packaging.

Helping others pull themselves back from the same brink that I found myself teetering on, feels so right. 

If you would like more details of my work you can pop over to my website or look me up on facebook. All love to you.

Tinnitus Solutions for Writers

One of the most difficult things since having severe tinnitus and hyperacusis with my hearing loss, is my ability to concentrate for long periods of time. It can be very distracting having a constant cacophony of tones going on in one's head. I have gotten round this by stopping regularly while writing and finger knitting to clear my head with my tactile mantra ... but it is stopping the flow I am used to when writing. Then I came up with a plan.

I don't know why it didn't dawn on me before because I have collected likely 1000's of stories in my lifetime, editing recordings and digital films for community based projects. 

So, I decided to start recording my quiet pathway in the style of a children's story ... 

'In our village, just opposite the bus stop, behind a large trough of wild flowers that generously spill summer fragance for those passing by, there is a corner shop. It is not an ordinary corner shop for inside, sits and old woman who spends her days weaving wool and penning poems ... '

However, when I came to type up the story from my recorded spoken word, it was as if I had hit a block. Then another idea came to me.

A friend of a friend (who I won't mention just yet as I need to make sure she wouldn't mind being in my blog) came to visit me. She has increasingly struggled with her tinnitus. She has worked in primary education all her life. Like I did, she is finding is increasingly difficult to manage her tinnitus in this environment and is looking for new ways of working for the future. She had thought of editing because she has an English Degree and loves books.

I contacted her and asked if she would like us to help each other, where I would be her first editing job, to trial and see if it is something she could do as a alternative career.

Today, I sent her the first short story in a series entitled Quiet Space, recorded in my Quiet Space Studio.

I love that 2 women coming to terms with tinnitus and new ways of being, have come together with their strengths to find a solution.

And I share this with you to help you think about ways you might collaborate with others to become re-empowered should the wind have been knocked out of your sails, in the way that it has mine. But with no wind, it is time to sit still and enjoy the sun, to wonder at the depth of the ocean and make friends with a new type of lifestyle.